Anxiety: My Captor

Anxiety is my Captor. It controls me: my heart, my soul, my life and I feel so defeated, like nothing can stop it.

My journey with anxiety started four years ago during my eighth grade year. It started out with little things such as not being able to focus in my volleyball games and being hesitant to eat in front of people, but nothing really past that. My family and I didn’t think much of it, I mean of course it was annoying but medical attention for something that we considered so simple was too much for my family to handle at the time. So, I went about life just trying to make it through middle school and juggle my friends and the boyfriend I had at the time, but no one even considered the obvious trigger that was occurring in my life at the moment. We just tried to push it under the rug to where no one could see it and no one could tell. Anxiety doesn’t necessarily say “normal” to everyone my family interacted with. So we carried on.

Fast forward to ninth grade and I had a medical incident that rocked my entire world. I was weak physically and emotionally unstable. After I regained control, I got to visit my first psychologist and she was amazing. We talked for a little while twice a week and came to terms that my anxiety was being triggered by an emotionally abusive relationship that I had no idea existed due to me never really knowing how a relationship was supposed to go. Fast forward to after we had broken up and the problem still hadn’t just dissolved. Why? We learned as a family that anxiety isn’t a one and done situation, it’s here and in my case here to stay.

If we skip over the series of panic attacks we couldn’t find a cause for in tenth grade and me stopping visiting the psychologist, we get to eleventh grade. My eleventh grade year was not good to say the least. In August, I learned what it truly meant to be homeless and I had to live with my grandparents for a year. That was a disaster. With all the stresses in my life and an unstable situation, my depression and anxiety hit hard. So hard, that I had no idea what to do and I began a downward spiral into suicidal actions and thoughts. I returned back to the psychologist.


Okay. Now you’re all caught up. That’s been a short run through of my life with anxiety thus far, now for the reason I wrote this.

Last night, I had an encounter with anxiety that moved my progress with this beating this condition backwards about ten steps. I was starting a new job the next day and I came home from church throwing up and I thought it was just nerves, well over the next 6 hours I had around 5 panic attacks lasting about twenty minutes apiece. Twenty minutes, five separate times of not being able to breathe or think and just wishing I would die.

But this post isn’t all negative. I want to talk about having a support team. A support team contains people that help you through the tough times and have your best interest at heart. Support teams can contain friends, family, significant others, and medical personnel. My support team last night really stepped up and are still going consistent into today as I continue having immense anxiety while writing this post. For example, my boyfriend came over about 1am this morning helping me through a panic attack from his house 20 minutes away and my mom rubbed my back while I was crying and tried to help me get some sleep. Support teams through mental illness is so important and I truly don’t thank mine enough.

Did you know 1 in 5 people have a mental illness of some kind? According to those stats there are more of us around than you think and we may not all be strangers to you. Open your eyes and look into the lives of those around you. People around you may be silent sufferers needing a support team to help them through it. Now I’m not saying be abrasive because that is not what they need, what I am saying is just be there. Allow yourself to be attentive and open your heart and together we can all take a stab at mental illness.

 

 

Lake Days

Today I was blessed to spend the day out on the lake in the midst of friends, and not only did I have an amazing time, it inspired me greatly. Somewhere between flying off the tube and running barefoot in the grass, I picked up an inspiration I feel i couldn’t have found anywhere else. Can I describe it? No probably not. It was just one of those things…you should’ve been there. Only kidding.

 

I was inspired to live in the moment. Yes, there are Pinterest posts that tell you all about that. Live your life NOW for you! and all that jazz. But do you really put forth the thought in to being like, yeah.. I should really do that. I sure didn’t. I live my life on a worry based planned out lifestyle to fight the horrors of basic anxiety and whereas spontaneous situations are fun and amazing; I choose to avoid them in terms of a safe and sound environment, such as staying inside and watching Netflix in bed, that sounds fantastic, really. But today was different. Something inside me had completely changed.

 

I sat on the dock with my feet in the water listening to the people around me talk just to talk and the kids across the lake preform wheelies on their jet skis (cool right???). And something inside of me just started turning. Maybe it was the hot sun or the murky lake water, but I turned around with a whole new mindset. The girl who is terrified to do anything in water, or anything at all really, was all for going jet skiing and tubing and just wanted to have the time of her life. For someone with my type of anxiety this would have caused an immediate panic attack. The dreaded fear of being outgoing and being in the spotlight, was happening but I was doing it to myself.

Why do I tell you this? Well for starters, I wanted to encourage you that it’s okay to do something different. It doesn’t have to agree with your typical lifestyle or hobbies or favorite pastimes. The only thing that matters is if you yourself are truly growing as a person. We live and we die. We start and we finish. Now will we start and finish in the same spot or belong to a whole different dimension by the time it’s over? If we continue our lives on one straight path, in our comfort zone, and never acting spur of the moment, we may just lose something very important to us. Our lives wasted. Try something you don’t want to do, try living on the edge for a little while. GET OUT OF BED!!! Did you hear me? No? Let me try this one: STOP WASTING YOUR LIFE AWAY LAYING IN BED ON NETFLIX. yeah, you. I get it, The Office is super addicting and that Friends marathon is calling your name, but get up and live. Life is still moving while you’re in bed. Get out of the house and get inspired, you may find that there is better things out there than that bed you call home.

 

 

 

Eyes?

Eyes are cool, super cool actually. I may just am being a nerd here but it’s whatever, really. When you look into the eyes of another you see things, really see things. You can see emotion, personality, motivation, and anything else you can possibly imagine. The eyes are the key to finding one’s true soul. No matter the color, no matter the body they are attached to, you find things in people whether you want to see the things or not. You find reality. Examples are as follows:

I look into the dark eyes of my boyfriend, physically I see depth with different swirls of  browns but deeper I see love and happiness and sincerity and a kindness that whether young love has anything to do with or not brightens up my existence, literally. I see a man equivalent to an open book, for his eyes hold no apparent shame. His eyes hold a passion, a passion for the things around him, a passion for life, and that passion he spreads on to others with ease, almost naturally which I admire tremendously.

I look into the bright eyes of my little sister, physically they’re bright green, big, and sparkling, but deeper I see innocence. An innocence not yet stolen by society, a conscience not yet developed. A mind not yet settled into the realms of reality. A child not condemned by the world around her, just yet. Allowing her soul to shape into its form to allow the eyes, the ultimate mirror of the soul, to allow us a quick gaze.

I look into the soft eyes of my mom, physically I see their softness, their tenderness, their lovingness, but deeper I see triumph, sorrow, pain, and forgiveness. A series of triumphant sparkles from all of life’s victories: marriage, the birth of three children, family life, a fulfilled spirit. A tender touch of sorrow under life’s grieving moments: a dad left behind, medical tragedies, instability. A painful realization of reality which is absolutely all of the above.  A glimpse of forgiveness for those who have wronged her as she tries to maintain who she is and what her family is all about amidst the purposefully scornful eyes of the passerby that just seem to keep coming.

“The eyes are the mirror of the soul and reflect everything that seems to be hidden; and like a mirror, they also reflect the person looking into them.”

                                     -Paulo Coelho

 

Heartbeat

A heartbeat happens every single second. The sound of life. A clarity resounding through a body giving a constant reminder that this being is living, breathing, evolving. A life that possesses different realities and a different version of life unknown to many others. The ultimatum of vitality in a constant force.

If we think about it, our whole life depends on that simple beat. Whether we get to go to sleep tonight, wake up the next morning, or go on to the next year. It decides whether or not we get to do the events we love. And shows us our deepest emotions. Love. Fear. Excitement.

Our lives start and end with one, from Conception to Death, from First Breath to Last. No one knows how many they’ll get. So what are you doing with the ones you have now?

The Beginning

 

So like I said before if you read the about me page. This blog is for me. To know myself better, to better my creative thinking, and express myself in the only way I know how. This page, “Thinking Out Loud” is my pure and simple minded thoughts
(that definitely have no rhyme or reason behind them) and are definite insight to my inner being-my true self. So if you want to know the true girl behind the computer screen. Read these. It’ll be fun. If you’re into that kinda thing.